Choosing the right path

As is so often the case I turn to my blog to work through issues that, for whatever reason, are troubling me. Life has a way of throwing things at you which seem unfair, unjust or just plain wrong. It can happen to any of us, at any time and affect any aspect of our lives. What, if anything, can you do about  it? Is it better to do nothing? And if you choose to do nothing, can you live with that decision?

Life is hard enough for me, just existing takes a great deal of mental strength, so if something happens to knock me back in some way it's a big deal. It can be the smallest thing, no doubt trivial to many, but it can throw me spiralling downwards mentally. It is really hard to fight my way back to equilibrium, whatever that means when you live with constant pain with the associated stress, frustration and exhaustion that comes with it. My quality of living is rubbish. I can't exercise because all four limbs are affected, so I do the best I can to starve myself so that I don't put on weight. I deny myself anything like chocolate. There is really only one thing I do other than sit in my chair 24/7 and that thing is archery. I have come to depend on it to retain my sanity, I look forward to the next time I get to shoot almost as soon as we've packed my bow away. 

When you're disabled people treat you differently. It's more than likely that many don't even realise they're doing it. They can't see beyond the wheelchair or condition, only seeing the perceived problems it, and by definition, I pose. Don't get me wrong, there are wonderful people out there who go out of their way to help, make life easier or help me access activities I wouldn't otherwise be able to. Thank goodness!!

As many who read my blog or who are lovely enough to follow me on Facebook will know, doing archery has come with its own battles. And I don't mean the problems my condition throw at me. I mean the ridiculous rules, barriers and sheer lack of understanding that I simply can't do anything about. Let me explain...

I'm disabled and need a wheelchair to get about. I can't walk in any real sense of the word, I can only shuffle a few yards wrapped in the arms of my husband. Standing without supporting myself (or being supported) is impossible and even then only for more a few minutes. It is blindingly obvious that I need to shoot in a wheelchair. It is also common sense that if the pain is minimised when my legs are elevated then I shoot with them up just as I spend the rest of my life doing. My arms simply aren't capable of pushing a manual wheelchair, the pain becomes unbearable in minutes. It doesn't take a massive leap of faith to see therefore that an electric wheelchair is essential. So why then do I not qualify as disabled in the archery world?  I actually received the following in response to an enquiry about joining a disabled body you'd have thought would be ideal for someone in my position.

"As you have already mentioned your condition is not one that will classify & I am sure you will have problems with competitions  as you will take up a large amount of space on the line.

This to organisers has a cost implication as they cannot accept entries for that space.

You could become an Associate Member of ******* [ full membership would not be an option as your condition is pain related] but again space on the line is limited & we have to limit the numbers who come to each weekend."

In other words, sod off! It beggars belief to be honest. Thank goodness so many able bodied clubs don't have this attitude and I have been able to take part in a wide range of indoor and outdoor shoots this season. The only ones I've not been able to enter are those with no disabled toilets or I couldn't access the field. I've even managed to shoot for my club! But those who should embrace me as a fellow disabled archer shun me. It seems I have the wrong type of disability and the wrong type of wheelchair. Or am I too disabled? Perhaps someone like me shouldn't try to take part? I don't easily fit into their definition of disability and am therefore too much trouble? Who knows?

Of course this won't stop me doing archery or taking part in competitions. You have to rise above these things and just get on with it. Life as they say, is too short...

Physio, CRPS and archery....

As is the way with most of my blog posts these days, archery features prominently.Not surprising is it when you consider it is the only thing I now do and is the only reason I leave the house apart from hospital appointments and the occasional trip to Lakeside or a meal out every month or more like three?

Went to the long awaited physio appointment at the hospital yesterday with a Pain Specialist Physiotherapist, and it unsurprisingly proved to be a complete and utter waste of time. She could offer me nothing apart from get on with it. Of course we went under no illusions that it was going to be anything else, but human nature says that despite yourself (and believe me I am an utter realist about my situation) you can't help but have that little bit of hope. And that means that despite yourself, you feel upset when the stark reality of your situation is brought home yet again.

My broken nervous system means that my nerves are hypersensitive so my arms overreact to everything. Of course the usual stimuli that affect my legs so badly have the same effect in my arms. Tiny temperature changes register as unbearable by my nerves, normal air flow, the lightest of touches become a gale force wind and being whacked with a baseball bat respectively. The result is significantly increased pain, swelling and everything else that comes with CRPS. My legs sweat profusely as do my arms (especially when I'm shooting), my clothing and hair are always damp or wet because of it. My arms swell like my legs whenever I use them and archery only makes this even worse. Don't forget that I can't really use my legs other than to shuffle along for very short distances and only if supported by Eric. Not only do I want to use my arms for support which takes its toll, I want to do a sport that requires relaxation and solid technique in every part of the shot time after time over the course of several hours or more. With all the waiting around that comes with competition conditions.

The only positive that came of the appointment was that I do have a better understanding of just how much CRPS affects my archery. It is the reason why it takes my arms longer to get warmed up, why I can overheat really quickly and bizarrely how fast my arms get cold again. It is easy to see why shooting groups of three arrows at competitions is such a problem for me. Even the complete locking up of the left arm is due to CRPS, my nerves misfiring, exaggerating the effects of holding that arm out straight holding the bow. Relaxation through the draw is impossible when your arm is rigid, and you simply can't relax it no matter how hard you try. And believe me I've tried everything without success.

The worst thing is that CRPS doesn't need a stimulus to 'play up' to make archery all but impossible at times. My arms, like my legs simply have a mind of their own and I can do nothing about it. Other than try to force my uncooperative arms into a position that will let me shoot as I know I can. To get everything in line, release at the point where I'm floating over the gold. And then do it again and again. It's exhausting, which is why I've had to significantly improve my nutrition during a shoot. I now use fast release energy sachets together with hydration drinks which I consume continuously. It helps but it's something else to worry about.

Bottom line is that I've just got to carry on as I've been doing the last two years since my arms were affected. Pushing through the pain to maintain the range of movement I have yet balance this with the need to avoid a flare up. I'm on my own, battling with a condition that isn't understood, let alone has a cure, or even a recognised palliative care regime. You just have to get on with it and fight. It's so important to have something that you are good at. Mentally it gives me such an enormous boost when I shoot well. 

I have to accept that how well I perform in any given archery session is to a large extent completely out of my hands. Or even how this changes during a session. For someone with the high standards I demand of myself this will be really difficult. No, make that impossible....

The problem with being disabled

I've had CRPS over nine years now, and I've lost count of the number of battles we've had to fight during that time. Anything from getting the benefits I'm entitled to, securing ill-health retirement through to being able to take a full part in the very limited activities my condition grudgingly allows me to do. 

It's hard enough getting through each day, making the most of what seems to have become an ever decreasing quality of life. Mentally you try and stay positive, regardless of what life throws at you but there are times when it all becomes too much. I'm going through one of those phases right now. The pain and exhaustion are too much, I'm losing entire days to sleep and feeling frustrated, angry and demoralised about the situation I find myself in. On various levels. 

The problem with being disabled is that it isn't just the physical and mental effects of your condition you have to cope with. It's trying to live in a world that's set up for the able-bodied. As a wheelchair user I live in a world where there are barriers everywhere, nothing is easy and spontaneity is impossible.

Take something as simple as getting about. If we didn't have our own car, travelling anywhere would be a huge challenge, largely insurmountable. Public transport isn't an option. I can't catch a train locally as there's no wheelchair access to platforms at my local railway station. There isn't a bus stop close enough to be practical. No idea where they go either and could I access them anyway? We could use a taxi service but I dread to think how much that would cost. How many wheelchair accessible taxis are there out there? No, your own transport is essential. Particularly when you need as much help as I do.

Of course getting somewhere is just the first step. Can you actually get in? Do they have wheelchair access? Are the rooms big enough to allow a wheelchair like mine to get in and close the door? Take my dentist as an example. It's like an obstacle course trying to get into the consulting room, Eric has to manhandle me around to try and get round the tight corners. It's totally unsatisfactory to be honest and an able-bodied person wouldn't put up to with it and most likely kick up a fuss so that something is done. As a disabled person we are expected to be grateful that they attempt to accommodate us at all. God forbid we should complain. Or challenge the natural order.

The same goes for shopping. We can only go to covered shopping centres because paving slabs have a tendency to be uneven, and each bump induces more pain. This leaves us with Lakeside, which isn't the most inspiring place but at least they used to have places where you could get a coffee and a sandwich/cake and sit at a table, having rearranged the furniture so I can reach the table. Since the refurbishment there is now nowhere in the Food Court that I can can sit at easily. Fixed benches, or seating areas that are so small I couldn't get into them anyway. There's no point complaining as there's nothing they can do. We eventually ended up in Costa Coffee as that was the best solution we could find. It may seem pathetic but that's always the highlight of the trip for me, having a coffee and a cake. A treat. Is it too much to ask that we can just go and do that like everyone else? Unfortunately not...

Inevitably you end up not going out because it isn't worth the pain and payback that follows. So then it's just medical appointments that come up in your diary that give an opportunity to leave the house. At least hospitals generally have decent disabled access. Why should I have to give up on going out just because I'm in a wheelchair. I'm sure able-bodied people are thinking 'it can't be that bad, she's just making out that it's worse than it is'. I wish that were true. But other disabled users will back me up. For heaven's sake the assessments for benefits are often held in buildings with no proper access. How can that possibly be right? So you go for an assessment but then can't get in to have it. And you'll probably receive a sanction to rub salt in the wound. Madness isn't it? I face similar issues every time we try and go somewhere. 

Archery is massively important, being the only activity I can do in my wheelchair with my legs up. It is good for me both physically and mentally. I look forward to each session and have thoroughly enjoyed taking part in my first competitions indoors. I want to do more, especially as we move into the outdoor season. Of course I can't do many because I simply couldn't cope with it. The recovery time is long and the payback immense. That isn't going to stop me, but even here things aren't simple.

Bizarrely, in the archery world I'm not classed as disabled. CRPS isn't on the list of conditions they use to determine disability so classification is a non-starter. So I can't take part in disabled competitions. My only option is to shoot against able-bodied archers. No problem you'd think? I'm at a disadvantage, but at least in the rules it states that you can use a wheelchair and stay on the shooting line throughout a competition. Guess what? My wheelchair is too long so I fall outside the scope of that too. So that rules me out of shooting in many able-bodied competitions as well. 

It seems for the purposes of archery I'm too disabled to be classed as disabled. Fortunately the governing body is issuing me with a card that means I can shoot as long as the club organising the shoot can accommodate me and my chair. I'm extremely grateful that they are prepared to do this for me, but should it even be necessary? A wheelchair is a wheelchair regardless of length. A condition that renders you unable to walk more than a few feet even if supported should surely qualify you for disabled status? 

It would be so easy to give up, faced with an uphill struggle to do anything or go anywhere. A world that in many ways only pays lip service to the concept of disabled access, and equal rights for the disabled. Sadly you come across discrimination everywhere. In the most unlikely of places. All I can do is battle on, fight my corner and make the best of it.  After all giving up just isn't me is it?

In reflective mood...

Racketts Worcester Competition - Scored 240  (Format: two targets, one high, one low)

2nd in session. Won club team bronze medal overall

Wow, what a day. When Eric phoned this morning having walked the dogs to tell me the car wouldn’t start I was devastated. I’d looked forward to this competition for ages, didn’t do the Frostbite yesterday and now couldn’t shoot today? No…

It all turned out ok though as the breakdown guy got us going and we made it.

I shot really well on the first target, having had to adjust the sight a fair bit after the sighters and first couple of ends. Was shooting well though, lots of 5s, great rhythm, felt relaxed. That was on the lower target, scored 129 for the first 3 dozen. They had a board of scores as we were going along. I was first at one point and there was only ever 2 points between me and the other lady on that first target.

The higher target was always going to be a worry for me, having not been able to practice two targets at the Saturday session which was cancelled. It was a nightmare as I just couldn’t get up there with any accuracy at all. With no sighters I spent some time adjusting the sight, then just had to focus on my technique and try to improve. Was chuffed with the 5s I managed, especially the 3 in the final end. Only managed 111 on the upper target, which was the best I could manage. Gave it everything.

What can I say? I did my best, and just wasn’t prepared to shoot a target so high. I can’t replicate that at home, but will have to find a way of doing better. Who knows what score I could have achieved. Where I could have come? I don't know where I came overall yet as the results haven't come out.

My results in the first three competitions have shown the standard that I am is far better than I thought I was, especially given the way I have to shoot. Whilst archery gives me so much, it is a great sadness that I will never be able to see how good I can be. CRPS yet again holds me back. I know I should be grateful to have achieved what I have in the three competition shoots I’ve done and it will hopefully just get better the more of them I shoot. I am, really I am. I am so lucky to have found a sport again that I love and also helps retain range of movement in my arms.

BUT, and it is a big but, it has also shown me that were I able to really focus, train and push myself harder the potential is there to do and achieve so much more. My coaches have said they feel I have the ability to become a para archer but that can never happen. Firstly CRPS doesn’t qualify under the rules of classification for para archers so I can never be one anyway. Worse though is the fact that I can’t travel more than about 20 miles to shoot in competitions, can’t shoot more than a couple of times a week because it wipes me out so much, nor do any other training which would help me do better. I have to nurse my arms along as best I can, with some days being unable to get to full draw let alone anything else. 

Whilst I have the motivation, attitude, technique and application (my coaches' words not mine) there is that ever present barrier that I have no way of getting over. Or around. It saddens me, but more it annoys the hell out of me. I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to in golf before it was taken from me. Highlights included two hole-in-ones, representing Essex Ladies, getting down to a 5.3 handicap, winning numerous competitions including the Scratch County Handicap Trophy, set a one over par course record on my home course. I was nigh on unbeatable in matchplay (that determination again). I only got to play for three or so years before CRPS struck. It is still sticking the boot in now.

All I can do is keep plugging away, keep entering competitions, shooting when I can and the best I can. If having CRPS has taught me anything it is to go for it, because you never know when you might lose that thing you love. My body might continue to let me down (I sometimes wonder which bit will go wrong next) but it won’t bring me down. I do hate losing after all….

If I was a house....

.... I'd need a rewire, simple as that. You see I had the letter from my Consultant about my recent appointment. We meet every 6 months, chat about how things are, decide that we are getting the best we going to get from meds and then part with a 'see you in 6 months'.

I am well aware that I'm far luckier than most in that my Consultant has no intention of discharging me, is genuinely interested in my wellbeing and wishes he could do more. He Is always on the lookout for anything which might help, but knows I am pragmatic about my prognosis and he can tell it how it is.

This time though was a little different. My diagnosis has changed. It is now officially:
       l. CRPS in  legs
      2. Chronic Widespread Pain syndrome
The latter is new, and means that my entire nervous system is hypersensitive. Hence my rewire quip at the start. What does this mean for me?

Well, everything and nothing really. My arms have been affected a year and a half now, my eyes have also been 'misbehaving' for many more years than that. In both cases the symptoms can't be explained by other disease, illness etc. Part of me worries about what will 'go wrong' next.

It's only natural I suppose. Here's an example. I've been suffering from a tooth/gum infection for over a month now. Surely it should have gone by now? Antibiotics helped a bit, antibacterial gel a bit more but it still isn't right. Is it going to linger for a while? Will it ever get better? Has another part of my body become affected? It would be easy to become paranoid wouldn't it? Or extremely depressed, frightened to do anything.

Not me. The worsening of my condition, spreading throughout my body changes nothing. My philosophy has always been, and will continue to be, to remain as positive as I can be. I fight everything that comes with having chronic illness . I do what I can, but my quality of life remains rubbish, stuck in this leather reclining chair with my legs up, gazing at the same four walls for days on end. I firmly believe that it is a waste of time moping, feeling sorry for yourself etc. It gets you nowhere because you're still stuck in the same useless, broken body. Make the most of what you have, that's my motto.

My biggest 'v sign' to my condition is archery of course. Anyone who has read my blog knows how much it means to me, it's an integral part of my existence, my life. I look forward to every session, and then immediately yearn for the next. I would shoot every day if my condition allowed. I push it as far as I can, but even I have to be sensible to get the best out of myself. Twice a week seems to be the optimism. Up to now I've shot against myself (trying to better my scores each time), but will be entering some competitions in the months to come.

Which brings me to something that is both utterly fantastic and utterly cruel. Recently there has been the opportunity to apply for selection to a fast track Para Archer program aiming to shoot at Rio 2016. I know some people who have applied. I did ask my coaches what they thought. Only in passing and fully expecting them to say no chance. Imagine my shock when the following came back:

'knowing how dedicated, committed and strong willed you are, there is no reason why you might not set your own goal for becoming a Para archer in the future' along with telling me face to face that I had the technique needed to compete at that level.

Wowzer!!! I couldn't believe it. I was completely gobsmacked. Me? No! Never in a miIIion years!!

But here's the cruelty of it.... They explained that for me to fully participate in the program I'd have to travel all the way to Lilleshall a couple of times a week. That's before you consider the necessary extra practice I' d need to do, shoots around the country or even abroad. And everything else that would be involved Oh, and you're only allowed an 80cm wheelchair length at shoots. Mine is 4 feet 6 inches! This was their only concern, and rightly so. It is a complete non-starter, I couldn't even remotely cope with it. Never in my wildest dreams.

To be told I have what it takes to be a Para archer means the world to me. That they feel that I'm capable. The reality of course is that nothing has changed. I can't do anything about it, but can take the positives. It is enough to know that they feel I could. That'll do for me....

Who'd have thought it?

As those of you who read my blog regularly or follow me on Facebook or twitter will know, I started doing archery after I got CRPS in my legs eight and a half years ago. I shot for about a year then didn't shoot again until we watched the London 2012 Olympics. Seeing the shooting on there gave me the 'itch' that inevitably meant I started shooting again in August 2012.

Yes,  I really do shoot like this!

It's been a roller-coaster ride, as once again CRPS tried to stick it's great big spanner in the works in March 2013 by moving to both upper arms. So not only do I shoot effectively sitting down with my legs out in front of me, I also do battle with arms that do their best to make life difficult. 

You know how hard it is to push a duvet into a bin bag? The more you push, the harder it seems to get? Well, that's a pretty good analogy for what it's like for me drawing my bow. At worst, I can barely pull to full draw, certainly can't get 'onto my back' and struggle to keep my fingers from slipping off the string. Oh, and my arms are so locked up that any hope of relaxation when I release the shot is purely wishful thinking. The result? Lousy arrows that are poorly grouped, nowhere near what I expect from myself. The only good thing is that regardless of how I shoot, my arms are still getting some physio.

I didn't manage to shoot outdoors more than once or twice last year I think. Initially because the weather was so awful that I couldn't get on the field in my wheelchair. Well I might have got onto the field but you'd have needed to tow me off afterwards! Then CRPS meant that my arms were just too bad so all I could do was shoot at home in short stints of a couple of dozen arrows. The final nail in the coffin for outdoor shooting came in July when we went to the Royal National Orthopaedic at Stanmore the first time. Eric wasn't allowed to use his arm at all until the operation which he subsequently had in September. Some 6-7 months later when his arm had healed (huzzah!) I could finally get to shoot outdoors. Proper distances at last!

I hadn't been twiddling my thumbs in the interim. I'd been working really hard, literally pushing through the pain, stubbornly using my arms regardless of how painful a movement might be or how hard it was lifting things. The limb poundage (of my bow) dropped by 6lbs to 22lbs as that was all I could cope with. Even then I couldn't shoot for long. As I write this I still have three sets of identical limbs, ranging from 24lb to 28lb in my archery bag in case I need to drop down again. 

A simple setup..

As I said before archery is perfect Physio, and together with lots of stretching whilst sitting in my chair I slowly but surely regained most of the range of movement I'd lost and was more able to use my upper body strength again. When my arms were at their worst I feared that this wonderful sport I'd taken up, and and got such pleasure from, was going to be taken from me. Like golf and the other sports I did before getting CRPS. Not without a fight that was for sure! It never ends, because my arms start to deteriorate almost immediately after I've finished shooting. A few hours later I can barely clench my fist and my arms become harder and harder to move as I have to push through the pain more and more. That's the wonderful thing with archery, it never makes my arms worse, only better although of course I suffer the usual payback that comes with doing anything.

The way I drew the bow had to change and still does depending on how much control I have of my arms and fingers. I was forced to tweak, and adapt my draw to try and get back to shooting like I was before. I've forgotten the number of changes I've tried in the quest for my draw and body position to 'feel right'. I'd been in regular email contact with my coaches (Iris and Tom) throughout the time I was only shooting at home. They were wonderful, answering my queries or suggesting things I could try depending on what was going wrong or if it was something I simply couldn't do. Forever striving to use my back, have a strong power line and above all consistency. 

All 6 arrows in the yellow...Yes!!

Luckily, as was the case with golf all those years ago I seem to have good 'muscle memory' so can 'feel' when I've made a good shot and got everything right. I try and shoot each arrow like this, the same as I did the last and will do the next. If I'm lucky I'll manage this most of the time during the session. At worst I simply can't get comfortable at all. I can't do anything with my arms at all and any hope of consistency goes out the window. Usually it's a mixture of both, which can be incredibly frustrating when you fall a couple of points short of a new PB having shot some absolute shockers along the way.

But when it's going well (see photo) .... the feeling is awesome!! 

If my draw goes awry I can normally self diagnose so I know what to focus on when my arms go whoosh. Just as well really!

I'm chuffed to be back up to the 28lb limbs I was using before CRPS struck in my arms. Albeit with the lightest recurve bow setup we could put together. My Fiberbow riser weighs in at just 530g. I don't use a clicker, have a bog standard arrow rest and a short (19") long rod. That's it. Very much the minimalist approach compared to all the gadgets and gizmos I see on most of the bows around me.

Which brings us to the very heart of this blog post. When CRPS struck in my arms I could easily have given up as my form vanished. Frustrating wasn't the word when you know you can do something but can't get anywhere near it. No matter how hard you try. 
Not only did I get myself back to where I was, I've achieved so much more than that. More than I could ever have imagined. Between March 2013 and November 2013 my handicap tumbled from an initial 56 (100 is the lowest) to 40. I won an award at the club's AGM in recognition.  Wow...

Finally I got to shoot outdoors. To say it's amazing is an understatement. I am well and truly hooked. I had no idea how far I'd be able to shoot but really wanted to get to 80yds if possible. Following a change to faster arrows and turning the sight round to the belly of the bow, we (Tom helped me adjust the sight) gradually worked our way back and I was amazed to find that I can reach 80yds! Which means I can shoot any round and take part in any competition. Wow again...

Last week I shot my first outdoor round, a Short National, scoring 508, which is a 49 handicap. Apparently that's actually one place better than what you need to achieve a First Class classification but to do that you have to shoot 60yds and 50yds rather than the 50yds and 40yds that I did. Take that CRPS!!

My first archery trophy!

It remains an ongoing battle of course, as is the nature of CRPS. It you give it an inch it'll definitely take a mile. I never know which arms are going to turn up each time I shoot, the good, the bad, or the plain awful. So I keep up the regime needed to keep pushing CRPS back. I keep my arms covered all the time, stretch them numerous times a day and use them to support myself regardless of how they feel. I also shoot twice a week, every week. Either both sessions at home or once at home and once over at the field. I can't manage any more than that, more's the pity. I go through bad patches where I can't get anywhere near the gold but work through it as I have every other time. It may take two or three sessions but I've regained my form time and time again , I just have to hang in there, and bludgeon my arms into submission. 

I've managed to keep improving, bettering my groupings and with it my scores. I have a Summer of shooting to look forward to, with the new challenges that brings. I'll be trying to shoot lots of rounds outdoors and see what outdoor handicap I can achieve by the end of the season. 

I admit to feeling really emotional having written, and then read through this. I can't put into words the buzz, the joy archery gives me. Yes, even when my arms are doing their best to stop me. CRPS stripped me of everything I was good at eight and a half years ago. I never thought in a million years I'd ever be good at anything ever again. But I am. I'm good at archery. Despite having CRPS in all four limbs and everything that goes with it.  Who'd have thought it? 

The conundrum that is archery!

A bit of background for some of this post to make sense. Here goes...

Prior to getting CRPS in 2005, throughout my 34 years I'd played competitive sport. To County Level in Badminton, Tennis and Golf and club level in those plus hockey. Even at the tender age of 7 or so I was playing cricket with boys much older than myself. My grandad was the scorer for a team in the Birmingham league so many a Summer holiday was spent bowling, batting and fielding. There was talk of me being signed up for a Ladies' squad but I was getting into other sports and left cricket behind. Wonder where I'd have been had I not done that? Irrelevant now...

I'd been given my grandfather's old golf clubs and spent many an hour belting golf balls backwards and forwards across the student cricket pitch that was across the road from my house (we lived on an Agricultural college). The same cricket field I did endless circuits around to get match fit for badminton and tennis.

The sport I was actively doing in the years before CRPS put it's size 10 boot in, was golf. I'd always been a natural ball sports player so it stood to reason that golf came naturally to me. So it proved. I only ever had county organised group sessions which were useless but apart from that was self-taught. l came in on a handicap of 26 (max was 36, now 40) and within a couple of years it was down to 5.6 and still falling. Mentally really tough I was rarely beatable at match play at any level. I was totally focused, very serious and determined. Off the course or when it was just a practice round I was a bit of a joker but when I had my game face on. Well... beware LOL.

You get the idea of the sort of approach I took to sport. I detested losing with a passion. I had incredibly high expectations of myself, then beat myself up when I didn't match up. CRPS took that all away. It wasn't even a gradual loss. Bang, it was gone. The competitiveness got absorbed? hidden? locked away in my brain somewhere because that wasn't going to happen again? I wouldn't get that buzz that comes with a cracking good score or beating someone.

I grieved for the loss of doing sport and all that came with it. My sporting days were over. All the various clubs, racquets and sticks were sold or given away. It all went as I'd never use them again, so why keep them?

l first dabbled with archery about 7 years ago at a disabled social and sports club. At that point Eric could shoot as well so it was great. The distance was tiny, just across the length of a small hall but I was hooked. Sadly numbers dwindled until is was just me and Eric. We tried to join a 'proper' archery club but to say they weren't setup for the disabled archer is an understatement. Epic Fail! Instead we bought a cheap target and shot at home. The frequency became less and less then Eric broke his arm and that was that....

Until I watched archery at the 2012 Olympics and decided I had to try again. It's documented elsewhere that I found a brilliant club who are so friendly and accommodating. I started to get some coaching from the incredibly experienced Tom & Iris who are two of the loveliest people you could hope to meet. They taught me how to shoot properly, a revelation to me having only been taught the basics all those years ago. I threw myself into it, relishing the challenge of mastering what they taught me. A year later, through a combination of their excellent tutelage and a lot of b****y hard work on my part, I have developed a solid, consistent technique, which may not be entirely textbook, but is customised for me and my situation. Namely shooting in my wheelchair with my legs at 90° to my body. Much of the work has been done at home, shooting down the garden as we couldn't go out because of Eric's surgery. I've emailed Iris and Tom for advice as necessary. As I said far from textbook but it works.

The competitiveness that had lain dormant all those years raised it's head and decided to make a reappearance. As I improved and my scores got better the 'competitive me' came back. I wasn't happy shooting 5s, 6s and 7s, I wanted more. I'd only be happy when I was regularly getting 8s, 9s and 10s. Anything less was rubbish. Yes, it was definitely back! It felt good to have that challenge, that buzz again. The excitement of beating my PB. Shooting more than 50 for 6 arrows. I absolutely love archery and no sooner have I finished, I'd be looking forward to the next time.

Unfortunately CRPS has stuck that size 10 boot in again. An injury to my right shoulder was too big an invitation and CRPS moved into my right arm and fingers of my right hand. The hand I use to draw with. Well it wouldn't go to the left fingers would it? Not debilitating enough. It then dd to jump to the left arm. This has happened since March 2013 and has impacted more and more on my shooting. Further changes in equipment and technique have been needed. I have the lightest possible setup now.

As I've already said my expectations of myself have increased the more I've shot, because of my natural competitiveness. And my improvement of some 15 places in my handicap from 56 in March to 41 at the end of the season. Despite CRPS. I'd be lying if I said the ever more intrusive impact of CRPS wasn't having an impact on my shooting but more so on my mental state. I suffer bouts of intense frustration, feeling really down, despair as well as excitement and joy when I manage to shoot really well. Let me try and explain why....

How I shoot from one session to the other isn't something I can control any longer. I am literally at the mercy of my arms, riddled as they now are with CRPS. If my arms are playing up it is completely impossible for me to get into a decent position to draw. Drawing the string for those first few arrows is so excrutiatingly painful for my fingers. But it eases and I do my best. Sometimes I struggle to hang onto the string long enough to aim and shoot in a controlled way. Inevitably the arrows are all over the place, my scores are way below what I'm capable of. It's really hard work with me struggling to pull the string to full draw. You would think I was trying to use someone else's bow with a much higher poundage. lt's uncomfortable, INCREDIBLY frustrating and demoralising. My competitiveness whispers to me, telling me how useless I am. No allowances for how I have to shoot or the problems with my arms.

Of course shooting is the only thing I can do that not only is pain free and has a hugely beneficial effect on the pain, stiffness and swelling of CRPS. I have to shoot every few days, a regime which is brutal, takes so much out of me, makes my legs considerably worse but I have to do it to fight the CRPS, keep a good range of movement and lower pain levels.  So how do I reconcile the competitiveness and the need to shoot (however badly) to stave off CRPS? I have been improving continually, despite everything CRPS has thrown at me so far. It's not all good though. There have been batches of sessions that were an unmitigated disaster. Combination of arms misbehaving, shooting when I really wasn't feeling up to it and the extra demands on life as Eric continued his convalescence. 

I was hoping that now Eric's arm is healed (hooray!!!), my arms might settle down and my shooting would become more consistent and a little easier again. Instead it typically now takes half a 60 arrow round before my arms have 'loosened up' enough to shoot like I KNOW I can. Sometimes they don't loosen up at all and my left arm is as rock hard and stubbornly refuses to relax whilst my right arm simply refuses to go back for enough to use my back muscles. No two sessions are the same, I never feel 'right' at full draw somehow.

So I did an experiment earlier this week. Having shot on Monday, with a score some 50 away from my PB, I decided to shoot the following day. lt was a revelation! From the first arrow to the last I was able to shoot like I could months and months ago. I realised that I haven't been shooting properly for quite some time. I was able to draw the string across my body, maintain a good power line, use my back etc. It felt amazing and of course I scored so much better. Only 9 points shy of my PB. I was elated but then of course the reality sunk in. I can't shoot two days in a row, the payback is way too severe. So what I've proved means nothing really. It's not as if I can do anything about it is there?

I suspect that If the situation was different I could be really good at archery. Instead I'm stuck in a useless body that won't work properly. I do my best to not let the frustration get to me. The need to accept that the bad sessions aren't down to me, aren't my fault. It's my body letting me down (again) because of b****y CRPS, not letting me to shoot to my potential. 

I'm really struggling with it all. The CRPS isn't going anywhere and although archery does it good and shooting doesn't hurt, am I just putting off the inevitable? Will the sessions where I'm utter rubbish gradually become the norm? How will the newly re-surfaced competitive me cope with that? Will there come a point when I have to give up archery completely? That would be almost too much to bear. I can't go through that again, archery is so very important to me, my quality of life, my sanity. I can't see a future that doesn't feature archery so somehow I have to find a way through this. Answers on a postcard please....