Saturday, 29 October 2011

Something else it's ruined...

Why does CRPS manage to ruin everything or at least do it's best to? Physically and mentally. It seems to pervade every aspect of life, spoiling it, taking some of the pleasure you get. You'd think after nearly six years I'd be used to not living a normal life. Well anything even vaguely representing normal life in my case. Never in a million years would I have thought this would include our new puppy. But it has. It has been quite some time since I've felt down about something. But I am feeling really down about Kai. It seems so irrational as I type this but it's how I feel.

I'll try and put how I feel into words. I was so looking forward to getting Kai home, our little bundle of fun that we could play with, teach to sit, lie down, stay, come when called, and all those other things you do with a new puppy. Take them outside to do their business, take them to the Vet for their first set of jabs, feed them. Every new experience shared, relished and enjoyed. Most importantly developing that bond with him that will last a lifetime.

But of course CRPS has put the dampeners on that. I'm stuck in my chair all day, every day, apart from getting up to have a bath, go to the toilet. We've had him just over three weeks and I haven't left the house since he arrived. He's still too young to be left, and there isn't a strong enough bond with the girls yet to trust them with him alone. I can't feed him, I can't feed myself for heaven's sake! I can't carry him outside first thing in the morning to do his business. All I can do is shout Good Boy! from afar. I can play with him on my lap, playing tug with his toy, but I can't teach him to play fetch, can't sit on the floor and roll a ball to him. Can't go out in the garden, can't even see him toddling about, exploring what's out there.

I sit in my chair and watch him follow Eric around, grab at his trousers, ask to get on the sofa with him. See him whining, sitting at the bottom of the stairs because he and Kayla have gone upstairs and he can't follow them. Or cry when Eric goes out, even if it's only to get the milk in or answer the door.
See him come running when Eric calls him, be it across the living room or from the bottom of the garden. He loves to sleep next to Eric on the sofa, or on his lap, playing with Kayla and so on.

Compared to Eric I'm boring I suppose. I just sit here, and when I do get up Kai is put on a chair because he tries to chew my toes which of course is a complete no-no. At the start he was quite happy to snuggle up with me and Bella and sleep. Now however he doesn't seem to want to do that at all. He's off after Eric or sitting on the sofa or his bed. If I'm going to do anything with him I either have to wait until he presents himself at the side of the chair so that I can pick him up or Eric has to physically pick him up and give him to me. I can call him till I'm blue in the face and he won't come to me.

I'm out of reach, inaccessible. The only time he comes across to me from the sofa via 'the corridor' is if Eric and Kayla have got off the sofa. 'The corridor' is the pile of puzzle books I have on a table wedged between the sofa and my chair. Kai toddles over that to get to me so that I will put him down. He generally doesn't settle, but instead wriggles or wanders down to my feet where he looks to try and get off. If I'm lucky he'll settle and sleep briefly there but then of course he's resting on my feet which is really painful. Why does he want to sit on me when he can go and have fun elsewhere!

This does paint a gloomy picture. There are of course lovely moments. Because he can't go out for his walk yet he is left at home. I then have him all to myself. He sleeps, I groom him whilst he wriggles like mad, we play tug with his fluffy duck or other toy. That will soon come to an end though, something I'm dreading. As soon as they all come home he wants to get down and greet Eric and Kayla. He wags his tail like mad when he sees Eric and gives him a big kiss. He's bonding brilliantly with him.

I don't mind admitting that I'm jealous. Not of Eric or the way Kai is with him. I think it's wonderful. I get so much joy from seeing how much he loves Kai, running around after him, playing with him, talking to him. I'm jealous that this wretched disease is robbing me of the same enjoyment, the same experiences. When he starts going out for walks I fear I will have virtually no interaction with him. I can't go out on their walks, just something else I can't do.

I love Kai to pieces, I just wish CRPS would let me enjoy him....

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