Dear Bella

I don't know if this will help but here goes....

I wish you were still here with me my darling, I always dreaded losing you, but never in a million years did I think it would be this hard. There is a huge void in my life where you should be, but of course you're not. I have to bite my tongue every time Master brings the others in from their walk. I want to shout 'Bellaaaa', and you'd be there on the arm of my chair waiting for your treat. But I can't.

The reminders that you're not there are everywhere. All the time. Never ending. I give Izzy the last dregs of my cornflakes and she gets to lick my plate in the evening. It's not the same, those last morsels of whatever I was eating were yours. A simple act that signified our bond. I don't save that last bit of my tea in the morning, no-one else wants it. You always did. I'd have to blow on it for you while you waited patiently. I miss that.

The worst thing,the thing I hate most? My empty lap! Izzy and Kai come and visit. Even Kayla now gets the cuddle you'd never have allowed over the divide between the sofa and my chair. I can see you now, teeth bared, looking as fierce as possible, trying to stop her.  Most of the time now I sit here alone. It's the fact that you're not there that hurts most my love. Sometimes I didn't even notice you arrive. It was just right. Now it is so very very wrong. Well I ever get used to it? I don't see how that's for sure.

Your life revolved about me. I was your chosen human,and you looked after me in so many ways, some I'm only just realising. It just makes it harder to live without you. I went in the garden for a while a few weeks ago. I expected to see you at the back door looking miserable as you always did when I did something you figured was wrong. You wouldn't come out, unless I called you. Instead you'd go for a while then come back and stand at the door again. I remember saying to Eric you'd be cross with me. Archery was another thing. You couldn't wait to come and love me when Master opened the door. Up you'd jump, give me a kiss. You weren't happy till I was back in my chair, you on my lap, loving me. That tail would be wagging like mad. I think you were at your happiest when we were together. I know that I was. 

The others struggled without you for weeks. You and Kayla might have been like two grumpy old women with handbags at ten paces when you were here. She didn't know what to do with herself without you. Who'd have thought it eh? Izzy was so sad, had no interest in life, lying around with her eyes staring off into space. Never has a loss of one of our dogs had such an effect on those left behind. 

No other dog has or could ever come close to you my love. You were unique, a one off. I was lucky enough to share twelve and a half wonderful years with you. How I wish it could have been more...

Love always,

Mistress

Yesterday I lost my best friend

This is Bella, my 12 year old Border Collie. I thought I'd have several more years with my girl. Never in a million years did I think this would happen and she'd be taken from me so suddenly. Life is truly shit, cruel and downright heartbreaking at times. It's so unfair, especially for a dog as special as Bella.

What are the chances that she'd get cancer? Worse, that it would be a tumour on her spleen which could have ruptured at any time? Literally a ticking time bomb. Aggressive too, so it would most likely have already spread to other organs? And to top it all, the only symptoms she had which ultimately led to it's discovery were snoring noises as she breathed out. She was given a clean bill of health by another vet at the practice just over a week ago for heaven's sake!

Had a long chat with the vet on the phone on Thursday night, and the more she said, the more my heart sunk, the implications slowly penetrating my brain. There were options of getting a second opinion, a CT scan to see if and where it had spread. She couldn't take a biopsy because she was frightened of causing a major bleed. It was obvious she didn't want to go in and remove the spleen without knowing the full picture. 'I could open her up and be faced with tumours all over the place'. The prognosis for dogs of her age, especially this cancer, is extremely poor. Even with the CT, removal of the spleen and then chemotherapy, she wasn't going to live more than a few months. With the pain, side effects of chemo, plus of course the significant fall in her quality of life would be awful. If anyone knows about living like that it's me.

To be honest, the decision to let her go now was a no-brainer. It was obvious that the ultrasound and lack of fur 'padding' had left her extremely tender. It broke my heart to see her pace around, unable to settle. She couldn't even lie on me for more than a couple of minutes. The vet had said that she couldn't go for a walk, jump on the furniture, go up the stairs for fear it could cause a rupture. No, my girl needed me to step up to the plate and take that pain and suffering away. Anything else would be a betrayal of the unique bond I had with her.

She has been so much more than 'just' a dog. She was actually bought for Eric, but bonded to me. We adored each other, she was so sensitive and looked after me, being ever-present, never straying far from me. She would lie across my lap, not a simple thing for a dog her size, yet she very rarely touched my legs. Fiercely protective, she would warn Kayla away, not letting her anywhere near me. Eric aside, she was my best friend.

Having a cuddle with my girl. Such a precious memory now.

If I woke in the night, a whispered 'Bella' and she'd be up on my chair in moments. Always ready for a cuddle, licking me like mad, tail wagging. That wonderful affection is something I will never forget. This photo says it all really. Over the years we must have snuggled up like this thousands of times. Writing this now, all I want is to have a cuddle with her. But I can't and never can again…

The support went both ways. If anything happened to her, no matter how small, she'd come running to me, leap up and wanted me to make it better. We looked after each other, a team, bound by love. Her intelligence meant she adapted to my limited mobility. All the play we did before CRPS struck, we found a way to continue to do in my chair. Be it playing tug, fetch or rough and tumble with a toy. Her favourite toy was always a squeaky boot which was kept on the shelf behind my chair. She'd stand in front of my chair staring at me, waiting for me to look at her. I knew her so well, those beautiful eyes, one brown, one blue, told me what she wanted. I could say 'what do you want' and her eyes would immediately look at the boot then back to me. Amazing really, how many dogs can do that? I could ask her to go and find her boot. Off she'd go, looking for it. She'd ask for a treat in a similar way. I'd say 'you'd better go and ask your master' and she'd immediately jump on the sofa, sit next to Eric and paw at him. None of it taught, just that bond again. My clever, clever girl!

I'd always walked the dogs with Eric before CRPS put paid to that. Too painful because of the uneven ground and the payback was horrifiic. She didn't really have much to do with Eric, except in the morning. She would shadow him mercilessly, following him everywhere until he got ready to take them out. I did go a couple of times, Eric driving the dogs there, me going down there on my own in my chair. This meant we got onto the field in different places. I will never forget the moment Bella heard my calls. She couldn't have got to me any faster. Full pelt across the field, she jumped up at the side of my chair tongue hanging out, so obviously pleased to see me. Another precious memory to hold onto.

Just like I felt seeing her uncomfortable and in pain, she couldn't cope if I was particularly bad. Pacing around, obviously distressed, even taking herself off upstairs when my eyes were so bad I kept being sick. But she'd be back on my lap soon enough, her just being there, making it a little easier to bear. She never stayed upstairs whilst I had a bath. But she'd be there at the bottom of the stairs waiting as I struggled down and back to my chair. Then she'd jump up, lick me and have a cuddle. I'd turn her round, say 'snuggle' and she'd rest her head on my arm and sleep, both of us content. It never really felt right when she wasn't up with me. It definitely doesn't now.

I miss my best friend, life will never be the same without her. I've never had a relationship as strong with any other dog. All I can do is hold onto the thought that she had a wonderful life, didn't suffer and is now at peace. It was an honour and privilege to be Bella's human. She passed with her head resting on my hand whilst I stroked her muzzle. Together at the end, there for her as she always was for me.

My wonderful, beautiful, caring girl. I couldn't make it better this time, but I did the best thing I could. You will be in my heart forever and I will never forget you. Goodbye my darling.....  

My four legged carer

I thought it was about time I wrote about Bella, my wonderful Border Collie. I have had a dog in my life since I was seven years old, but Bella is something else. We got her back in July 2004 as a pup, as a retirement present for Eric who managed to get early retirement and escape teaching. Of course that didn't pan out as we'd hoped with me getting CRPS a year and a half later. Six months later we went back to Wales to get another Border Collie puppy, Kayla. She was to become completely bonded to Eric whilst Bella became totally and utterly bonded to me.

We played rough and tumble, fetch, went on walks. Did all the things you do with a puppy, training etc etc. Then everything changed for her. Firstly I was in hospital for several days, which she didn't react well to. Then when I was back at home I was different. Gone was the mistress she knew, that took her for walks, played with her in our active and boisterous way. Instead mistress was confined to the sofa, and later a reclining chair, couldn't move much and was just different.

Bella, avoiding my legs as is the norm

From that moment on, she has adapted to my situation and as near as damn it, become my four legged carer. She is never far from me, indeed the vast majority of the time she lies across my lap in my reclining chair. She is incredibly protective, has a canny knack for not touching my legs either when she is lying on me or when she jumps up or gets off. I can ask her to turn round as necessary and she is always incredibly careful and gentle. We now play with her lying on me, or she stands with her front paws on the arm of my chair and her back paws on the arm of the sofa. We still manage fetch and when I do occasionally get out on a walk with them she absolutely loves it.

What really makes her special is the way she regulates me. Sounds unbelievable but she does. A typical example is when I do some gardening. She will come out with me initially with me but then goes back in the house. She will then come out again a bit later to see me and again returns to the house. Nothing unusual there. A bit later however she comes out and refuses to go back in. She just stands next to the wheelchair looking at me. It is almost as if she's saying 'right that's enough, time to stop now'. She impatiently waits whilst Eric helps me back into the house and out of the wheelchair. Once I'm back in my chair, I get thoroughly licked. She reacts the same way when I play tennis on my PS3. She toddles off upstairs as soon as I start, but again she will come down as if saying 'enough now, time to stop'.

When I go upstairs (as little as possible as I have to drag myself up there) she always comes with me. Our stairs have a landing halfway up. From wherever she is, she will get up and goes and stands on this landing. She waits there for me until I get there, then she goes up to the top landing. Again she waits for me. She then waits for me to get back to the stairs. Only then does she go down. The only time she goes down without me is when I have gone up to have a bath. Every other time the routine is the same.

Bella gives me so much love, encouragement and protection. She is an exceptional dog, and I simply don't know what I'd do without her.