In reflective mood...

Racketts Worcester Competition - Scored 240  (Format: two targets, one high, one low)

2nd in session. Won club team bronze medal overall

Wow, what a day. When Eric phoned this morning having walked the dogs to tell me the car wouldn’t start I was devastated. I’d looked forward to this competition for ages, didn’t do the Frostbite yesterday and now couldn’t shoot today? No…

It all turned out ok though as the breakdown guy got us going and we made it.

I shot really well on the first target, having had to adjust the sight a fair bit after the sighters and first couple of ends. Was shooting well though, lots of 5s, great rhythm, felt relaxed. That was on the lower target, scored 129 for the first 3 dozen. They had a board of scores as we were going along. I was first at one point and there was only ever 2 points between me and the other lady on that first target.

The higher target was always going to be a worry for me, having not been able to practice two targets at the Saturday session which was cancelled. It was a nightmare as I just couldn’t get up there with any accuracy at all. With no sighters I spent some time adjusting the sight, then just had to focus on my technique and try to improve. Was chuffed with the 5s I managed, especially the 3 in the final end. Only managed 111 on the upper target, which was the best I could manage. Gave it everything.

What can I say? I did my best, and just wasn’t prepared to shoot a target so high. I can’t replicate that at home, but will have to find a way of doing better. Who knows what score I could have achieved. Where I could have come? I don't know where I came overall yet as the results haven't come out.

My results in the first three competitions have shown the standard that I am is far better than I thought I was, especially given the way I have to shoot. Whilst archery gives me so much, it is a great sadness that I will never be able to see how good I can be. CRPS yet again holds me back. I know I should be grateful to have achieved what I have in the three competition shoots I’ve done and it will hopefully just get better the more of them I shoot. I am, really I am. I am so lucky to have found a sport again that I love and also helps retain range of movement in my arms.

BUT, and it is a big but, it has also shown me that were I able to really focus, train and push myself harder the potential is there to do and achieve so much more. My coaches have said they feel I have the ability to become a para archer but that can never happen. Firstly CRPS doesn’t qualify under the rules of classification for para archers so I can never be one anyway. Worse though is the fact that I can’t travel more than about 20 miles to shoot in competitions, can’t shoot more than a couple of times a week because it wipes me out so much, nor do any other training which would help me do better. I have to nurse my arms along as best I can, with some days being unable to get to full draw let alone anything else. 

Whilst I have the motivation, attitude, technique and application (my coaches' words not mine) there is that ever present barrier that I have no way of getting over. Or around. It saddens me, but more it annoys the hell out of me. I hadn’t achieved what I wanted to in golf before it was taken from me. Highlights included two hole-in-ones, representing Essex Ladies, getting down to a 5.3 handicap, winning numerous competitions including the Scratch County Handicap Trophy, set a one over par course record on my home course. I was nigh on unbeatable in matchplay (that determination again). I only got to play for three or so years before CRPS struck. It is still sticking the boot in now.

All I can do is keep plugging away, keep entering competitions, shooting when I can and the best I can. If having CRPS has taught me anything it is to go for it, because you never know when you might lose that thing you love. My body might continue to let me down (I sometimes wonder which bit will go wrong next) but it won’t bring me down. I do hate losing after all….

Kai, an update

I mentioned in a previous post how I felt that CRPS was ruining my getting to know Kai, and my ability to do things with him. As with everything it was borne out of the frustration that comes with having CRPS. Everything is harder and it's more difficult to get involved when you are confined to a chair in the living room. I am so grateful for the support of Eric who as always did all he could to help me do more with him. It is some time since that post so I feel it's time for an update.

What am I missing?

Things have moved on tenfold. We've worked really hard on me doing things with Kai so that he got to know me better. As a result he now comes over to me across the corridor frequently, looking for a cuddle or to play. He wags his tail at me, something he wasn't doing. He jumps up at the side of the chair asking to come up. He lets me groom him easily without wriggling as much. We play rough and tumble on my lap. Or tug with one of his toys. In essence doing a lot of the things that I wasn't managing to. In the last couple of days I've been training him to come to the side of my chair, stand on a small wooden box we've put next to it and then put his paws on the arm of the chair so it's much easier for me to pick him up. If he does it right he gets a treat. Working really well and means I have a way of getting him to come up should I need to when Eric is out. He picks things up so fast!

A particular delight for me was when we came home last week after leaving them all for the second time. Normally it is Eric going out and coming back, so gets a lovely welcome from Kai. This time we'd both been out and I was the first one through the door. The other two came dashing through wagging their tails, jumping up etc. I always make sure I'm holding on to my grab rail tightly, as it's so difficult to greet them whilst maintaining my balance. That's why Eric stays behind me to keep me steady. Kai was jumping up and down, wagging his tail like mad trying to get to me to say hello.  The exact same reaction he gives to Eric when he comes in. It was wonderful to see him so pleased to see me. Without thinking I picked him up and was licked like mad with his tail wagging like mad. Just as well Eric was behind me because of course I immediately fell backwards, couldn't grab onto anything to support myself and had to be rescued. Nonetheless it was one of those wonderfully spontaneous moments you get so much pleasure from.

Our wheelchair friendly vegetable garden

Possibly the funniest time I've had with Kai was when I was in the garden earlier this week. We have raised beds so that I can reach to garden. I was doing some weeding and turning the soil over. Kai Had been lifted into the bed and decided he was going to chase my 'spade' (it's more like a large trowel with a long handle). Huge fun was had as I moved it backwards and forwards with him pouncing on it every time it landed. Lots of woofs and play poses. I can't remember the last time I've laughed so much. Absolutely priceless and so lovely to be able to play with him in a normal way for once. His beard was absolutely black by the time we'd finished!!

Yesterday proved just how good a bond we have developed. I was in a really bad way with stabbing pains in my eyes, awful headache and was sick several times. I was sat forward in my chair, Bella had disappeared as she can't cope with me being sick. Little Kai came over and asked to come up. He sat on my lap absolutely still with his head rested on my stomach looking up at me. I then went to sleep with him snuggled in the crook of my left arm and Bella in her customary position lying across me. They were still there when I woke up. Now that's what I call being looked after.

As I write this, Kai, who was lying on the bed rolled over and fell off! Thankfully his bed was there for him to land on. There's certainly never a dull moment with him around, and I'm sure that all three of my wonderful dogs help me cope better with CRPS. I may be stuck in this chair but boy do they keep me cheerful....

Second class citizens?

We went out shopping at the local large shopping centre on Wednesday and it prompted me to write about the widely different ways in which people act towards me. Some are lovely and give you that warm feeling you get when something unexpected and nice happens. The contrast is when people don't even acknowledge your existence, ignore you at best or actively try to avoid having to get anywhere near you. Or stare at you as if you're a circus exhibit or something. Let me give some examples.

Whenever we go out, which isn't often, I use my mototrised wheelchair with my legs elevated at 90° as usual. We lose track of the number of times that people walk straight in front of us as if we don't exist, wthout an apology or even a look in our direction. Then you get the people who stand in the way and make no attempt to move despite your calls of 'Excuse us please'. The most annoying are those who leap into a lift and then don't wait for you to get into it, often when you were the first ones there in the first place. You can see them frantically pushing the button so that the lift will go and they won't have to share a lift with a disabled person. God forbid!!

Shops who insist on having all sorts of gumph in the aisles are another example of how whelchair users' access is completely ignored despite legislation setting out what they should do. It is hard enough to get around shops at the best of times especially when I am twice as long as a normal wheelchair. Having baskets of stuff, or pointless displays stuck everywhere makes it even harder. I've lost count of the number of times Eric has had to move things and even then it's a very tight squeeze. Robert Dyas, W H Smith, Game, The Works and the vast majority of clothes shops I'm pointing at you!! Really looking forward to the Xmas period as you can imagine! Is it any wonder that the vast majority of things I buy are online? Why should I have to do that just because I have CRPS and in a wheelchair?

Then there's trying to queue and pay for things. The barriers they use are impossible to navigate, the counters are out of reach and now we have chip and pin it is even harder because you can't reach the machine to key your number in. If Eric wasn't with me I'd be completely unable to shop. He pays for everything apart from the occasional accessible counter. I did have a really lovely experience in Primark. They have a disabled till at the end so you don't have to queue. The woman who served me was lovely, put the card in for me, made the effort to move the machine so I could put my PIN in (most don't). She then came round from behind the counter and put the bag on the back of my wheelchair. The exception to the norm but it really made me feel like an ordinary shopper just for once. Like everything else going shopping could be an incredibly frustrating experience, but we do our best to make sure it isn't.

Contrast this with the people who offer help when I cry out in pain getting in or out of the car. Or those who move out of the way so that you can get through without having to stop, will hold doors open, pass you things from a shelf you can't reach. Carry things to a table for you. Those shop assistants that go out of their way to make sure you're happy. Such simple acts of kindness but mean the world to someone who cannot go about life as they used to. You also get lovely people who will not only just pass by, but will smile, say 'hello' and even stop and chat to you (usually having a dog around helps this). I always make a point of thanking them profusely because their small act of kindness makes me feel good about myself. Hopefully by making a point of thanking them they will feel good about themselves as well.

It wasn't until I became disabled that I realised just where we sit in society. The world is not made for the disabled person. I wouldn't expect it to be completely as we are a minority group. However my experiences over the last six years show that there is great deal that needs to be done before we can have anything like a similar experience to able-bodied people. From transport to shop layout, the world is an obstacle course, and one that isn't getting any easier. There are so many things that I cannot access, should I want to. I cannot join an archery club anywhere locally because they have no wheelchair archers and the regimented way that they shoot means that I simply can't keep up. And of course that is before I take into account other issues caused by the CRPS which makes doing anything more difficult. I applied for Archery tickets at the Paralympics next year and was lucky enough to get them. Assuming I will be up to going, which we won't be able to tell until the day, it will be interesting to see just how disabled friendly the venue will be. Should be brilliant you'd have thought? I won't be holding my breath.

My final thought goes to those thoughtful, wonderful people who make our lives easier. Sometimes in the smallest of ways. I salute you and thank you for your kindness.